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The Kings: A Thought Experiment
Copyright 2004 Chris Vinsonhaler

[Note to Reader:
All comments are welcome and appreciated.
Please send to author@beowulfpoet.com

There are many different opinions about when and why Beowulf was composed. Because the story was the work of an Anglo-Saxon Christian poet, many scholars believe the poem must have been created for a people unscathed by Viking raiders. After all, who would create a hero story about a people who burned your village, enslaved your sister, and killed your best friend?
xxxThis re-telling suggests another possibility—that Beowulf was composed during the reign of Alfred the Great, a man who spent his life defending the last Anglo-Saxon kingdom against the Viking maelstrom. While the poem praises the heroic virtues (courage, strength, loyalty) valued by Alfred himself, it also demonstrates that a culture based entirely upon such virtues is doomed—a judgment entirely congruent with Alfred’s own beliefs.
xxxIn this "thought experiment" you will recognize Alfred the Great (Governor Al) and his father, Aethelwulf (Wolf). You will also recognize the Vikings (The Kings), who terrorized Europe with their swift boats (boots). And you will recognize Alfred’s arch-nemesis, the Viking warlord Guthrum (Gutter). Finally, you will recognize characters in the story of Beowulf: Scyld Scefing (Chief), Beow (Bo), Hrothgar (Roth), Beowulf (Bear), Grendel (Grab-All), Grendel’s mother, Hygelac (Adolph), Hygelac’s son (Benito), and the dragon (the robot).
xxxHere then is a retelling of Beowulf without the poetry, the humanity, the compassion, or the heroic elegaic tone. What’s left? A literary cartoon that offers a very different perspective on a great work of literature.

xxxImagine that in the dawning years of the 21st centurey, a world-altering disaster occurs. Somewhere in the slums of New York City, a genius invents a mechanical “boot” that can jet a man through the skies and enable him to kick through any door. This genius is a member of a neo-Nazi gang called “The Kings,” and with this boot, the Kings fly around New York, robbing and murdering at will. No scientist on earth can figure out how to make a boot so fast; within a few years, the Kings become rich and powerful, infillitrate the politcal structure, and eventually rule New York City.
xxxNow imagine that all your life, you’ve heard about the Kings. Like every outlaw from Jesse James to Al Capone, The Kings are legend. They wear jackets embroidered with machine-gun-toting robots; consequently, robots are “in” with your teenage friends. In fact, you have a distant cousin who is a member of the Kings. So you’ve told your friends plenty of stories about how tough these guys really are.
xxxNow a quick history: The first great leader of the Kings was a man named Chief. When he died, his son Bo took over. And then Roth took over from Bo. These were the first hit-and-run gangs. But now, with the Kings firmly established in New York, they’ve begun to attack far from home.
xxxOne night, The Kings, dressed in their robot jackets, visit your town. First, they hit the churches (They go for the gold candlesticks, plus they think Christianity is for wimps). They strip the bank vaults, and they rob every home. Worst of all, they take people for slave labor in their neo-Nazi factories. That night, your best friend is hauled off to a labor camp, your sister is kidnapped for a sex slave, and your father is tortured for trying to stop them. To ensure that no one pursues them, the Kings fire-bomb the town.
xxxThis raid is just a taste of things to come. The Kings have decided to take over the whole country. One U.S. city falls after another before the thugs in their robot jackets. Some government officials make deals with the Kings. Resistors are publicly tortured and executed. On it goes until the whole country is taken, except for the state where you live. But now, a thug named Gutter has plans to take over your region.
xxxEveryone is in panic. Many say it’s hopeless to resist, and they obey any order; others have found that faith in God is the one thing that sustains them. Among others, this apocalyptic era has sparked a spiritual awakening in the governor of your state. Governor Al is actually related to The Kings: His great-great-great grandfather (on his mother’s side) was none other than “Chief,” the original gang leader. Al’s own father, “Wolf”, was a tough man too—until the Kings started to infiltrate his region. When Wolf saw what was happening, he made every effort to live a righteous life (in the belief that God upholds the righteous). Before he died, Wolf gave a tenth of all he owned to charity. Governor Al, being related to these gangsters himself, knows a fair amount about fighting them. Al and his brothers manage to hold off Gutter, until Gutter agrees to make a deal. Governor Al will do anything to save his people. So he orders that everyone contribute something—watches, jewels, furs. Money is no object. Al gives Gutter a fortune in protection money, and Gutter agrees to stay away. After that, times are very hard. But everyone hopes life will eventually return back to normal.
xxxOf course, thugs never keep their promises. A couple of years later, Gutter double-crosses on the deal. Hoping to trap Governor Al and finish him off quick (after publicly torturing him, of course), Gutter attacks the governor's mansion on Christmas night. Somehow, Al escapes to the suburbs, where he hides out. Some of Al’s supporters collaborate with Gutter, and some fly off to the Mexico. But Al has a loyal following, and gradually he re-groups. A few months later, in a surprise counter-attack, Al corners Gutter inside the governor’s mansion. After a month-long stand-off, Gutter comes out with his hands up. People expect the governor to publicly torture these thugs, but Al does just the opposite: He takes Gutter and his men to church!
 xxxBy now you should know, Governor Al is a phenomenal leader. He possesses the intellect of Abraham Lincoln, the faith of Martin Luther King, and the toughness of General Patton. As it turns out, Gutter fully expected to be flayed alive, and for the first time he comprehends the torment he has inflicted on others. Incredibly, when Al adopts Gutter as his own son, the henchman falls to his knees and weeps. No one has ever shown him mercy. It is the beginning of a true conversion.
xxxIn order to strength Gutter’s conversion, a friend of Governor Al’s creates a television drama, which is shown expressly to Gutter and his men. The story opens on the original “Kings”: Chief and his gang in the old days, booting down doors and getting filthy rich.. On the bad side, Chief steals for a living. But he is not depicted as “all bad” (He is, after all, Governor Al’s own great-great grandfather). On the good side, he is strong and brave and generous. He is the best leader the gang has ever known. And when he dies, he gets a fancy funeral (buried in a golden boot), but (as the narrator of the television drama reminds the audience) not even Chief can “take it with him.”
xxxAfter Chief dies, his son Bo (Al’s great-grandfather) takes charge, and he is famous for defending New York against the incursions of rival gangs. But then Bo’s son, Roth, comes to power. Some suspect that Roth knocked off his older brother, “Hairy Guy,” but no one questions after Roth begins extracting protection money from New Jersey. Indeed, Roth becomes the richest of all the Kings, and he decides to build the flashiest penthouse in the world. It makes Trump Palace look like a pimple. It is the tallest building in the city, and it is lavishly decorated with solid gold. Roth calls his new home “The Big.”
xxx(But even as “The Big” looms over New York City, a flash-forward shows “The Big” falling in flames. What Roth doesn’t know is that one day he will be buried alive when “The Big” is fire-bombed by a rival gang!).
 xxxUnfortunately, Roth has built “The Big” right next to a sewer where a giant thug lives. “Grab-All” is the child of the first mugger in New York City. The narrator of the story talks about how GOD CONDEMNS MURDER; that’s why Grab-All is in the sewer. He is the ultimate psychopathic thug. He hates everyone and everything, and when he hears a party going on at “The Big” he decides to visit. While the boys are sleeping it off, Grab-All kicks through the building's solid iron security system and hauls off 30 of Roth’s men.
 xxxRoth is powerless to resist this horrible enemy. Night after night “Grab-All” attacks, kicking through any barrier and hauling off any man he can find. The mighty Kings are outraged by this horror! Imagine, the KINGS being treated this way!
 xxxBut far off in Chicago, another gang of Kings had started operating. Among them lives a young tough named Bear. Bear is as tall as a giant, though he is a little “slow.” After being teased all his life, Bear wants to prove he is the strongest man in the world. Bear goes to the Big Apple to prove he has the right stuff. And God is with Bear against the sewer thug, the narrator says, because GOD DOESN'T LIKE THOSE WHO KICK DOWN DOORS AND KILL PEOPLE. Those who do this sort of thing, says the narrator of the film, are condemned by God for all eternity.
 xxxRoth is mighty glad when Bear shows up. No one can stop the thug from the sewer. Some of Roth’s boys are a little jealous at all the attention Bear is getting, but nobody stays in “The Big” that night except Bear and his men. Bear puts his machine-gun away because Grab-All never uses a gun. And Bear wants to make sure everyone knows that HE is the best there is. Sure enough, Grab-All shows up. Bear just lies there while Grab-All eats one of his friends. But when it’s his turn, Bear grabs hold and won’t let go. Grab-All hurls Bear against the wall, but Bear holds on. Bear’s men are terrified, but they bravely try to gun down the thug from the sewer. However, as it turns out, not even the best machine guns can harm Grab-All. Only the power of God can stop him. And God is with Bear, because GOD CONDEMNS HEARTLESS KILLERS FOR ALL ETERNITY. Indeed, Grab-All finds the mere hand-grasp of his rival unendurable. In desperation, Grab-All rips his own arm off in order to escape to the sewer.
xxxThe next night all the Kings celebrate. Bear hangs Grab-All’s bleeding arm from the top of the penthouse; and he brags about how tough he is. Roth agrees that Bear is "The Best"; and he gives Bear the finest bullet-proof shirts and machine guns. He even gives Bear the boots he wore on his first “job.” Everyone goes to bed happy and drunk--little knowing what will happen next.
 xxxIt turns out that Grab-All’s mother is upset. Her son has been killed and she wants some “get back.” The thug’s mother isn’t as strong as her son, but she scares The Kings pretty bad anyway. She kicks the door down, grabs Roth’s best friend, drags him away, and tortures him to death. The Kings are stunned that this could happen to them! Imagine, the KINGS being treated this way!
 xxxWith Bear’s encouragement, Roth and his men trail the bloody track to the sewer’s edge. There, on the sewer’s edge, Roth finds all that is left of his best friend: the bleeding head.
No one else dares enter the sewer, except for Bear, who bravely jumps in. He finds the monster mother in a cesspool. She nearly strangles him, but once again, God is with Bear. Righteous vengeance is justified, and MONSTERS WHO KICK DOORS DOWN AND KILL PEOPLE ARE NOT GOOD. Thus, the monster mother is killed with a bullet from her own gun. Then, just to even the score, Bear finds Grab-all’s dead body and cuts off the head for a trophy.
xxxThat night there is another celebration, though Roth is subdued after losing his best friend. Bear takes all the credit. God was on his side, he says, because he was the strongest and bravest. And God likes strength and courage, Bear says.
xxxThe next morning, when Bear starts to leave, Roth warns the hero that life has its ups and downs. Who would have thought that a boss as ruthless as himself could be so terrorized? Roth says he has learned an important lesson; now he thinks the worst is over (RIGHT!). Standing there in the middle of “The Big,” Roth advises Bear to learn a lesson while there’s still time and try to stay “humble.”
 xxxBear goes back to Chicago. He hands over all the loot Roth has given him to Adolph, his boss. Bear is very, very loyal to his boss, Adolph. In fact, he is Adolph’s personal bodyguard. But somehow, Adolph is killed in a raid on the state capitol!!! Where was Bear? Who knows. Everyone else was gunned down. Not Bear! Bear lives through the gunfight AND he makes off with all the fancy jewelry his dead friends are wearing. Not bad! In a parting gesture, Bear crushes to death the police officer who was guarding the governor. That’ll show him! After Adolph dies, Bear is just as loyal to Adolph’s son, Benito. Adolph’s wife begs Bear to take over and protect Chicago from rival gangs. But Bear refuses. Young Benito should be in charge. A good thug is always loyal. And Bear wants to be the best thug ever!
 xxxBut later that year, young Benito is killed in a gun fight against a rival gang from Indiana!!! Once again, Bear is very, very lucky. He not only survives the gunfight, he is the only one left to rule Chicago. What a lucky break!
xxxAfter Benito’s death, Bear rules Chicago for fifty years. Like all the Kings, he has a lot of treasure and slaves. One day a runaway slave finds a hideout in the suburbs where one of the earliest Kings had concealed a huge stash of diamonds. The slave grabs a diamond-studded cross stolen from a church and takes it to Bear to get in good with the boss. The hideout is guarded by -- you guessed it -- A ROBOT who, after his stash is robbed, starts attacking the city in the night, kicking through doors and gunning down whoever resists.
 xxxBear is horrified. Imagine, something like this happening to him!!! For the first time, Bear actually wonders if God is still on his side. GOLD CORRUPTS THE HEARTS OF MEN, the narrator warns. But Bear wants that gold, and he wants everyone to know, once and for all, that he is "the best." Bear meets the Robot in hand-to-hand combat -- just like the good old days. But this time, God is not on Bear's side. After everything that has happened, Bear is no different from the robot he is trying to kill. GOD JUDGES THE DEEDS OF ALL MEN, the narrator says. By the time the fight ends, Bear and the robot have killed each other.
 xxxThis sobering story is very meaningful to Gutter. It shows him how wrong the Kings are, and it shows him the cycle of God’s justice in the world. (The ancients a thousand years earlier would have called it “divine retribution.”) Those who had always secretly admired the Kings begin to see things differently too. But the story of Bear, so celebrated in Governor Al’s own time, is virtually meaningless to a later generation. It is hidden away for safe-keeping and is preserved for more than a thousand years. It is preserved even when the Kings eventually conquer the entire United States. It is preserved even when Lithuania takes over the world. But by the time people discover the story again, the history of Governor Al and the Kings has receded into the murky past. A thousand years later, no one has a clue about who created the screenplay or why. Their best guess is that the screenplay was written by someone who admired the good Kings in the old days (despite their occasional faults), and a very strong and courageous, if somewhat vain hero named “Bear.”